31 Horror Films, 31 Days, 31 Words
Monday, October 31, 2011 at 3:00PM A friend of mine over at The Lost Highway watches a horror movie a day for each day in October to celebrate Halloween.
Hey, I thought, I can do that! To make things a bit interesting I decided to go a step further and write a micro review of each of the films I watched. Here then are my Halloween Horror Film's for 2011:
Day One: The Evil Dead
What do you need to know about The Evil Dead that you don’t already know? No amount of clear coat varnish can prevent really nasty splinters when trees sexually violate you.
Day Two: The Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn
Chuck Norris ain’t got nothin’ on Ash. Ash is short for Ashley and despite this he will still wreck your weak shit, with a chainsaw fist! Hail to the King, baby.
Day Three: Demons
The final boss fight scene takes place in a movie theatre, hero and heroine on a dirt bike, fighting using a samurai sword, with special guest appearance by a random helicopter.
Day Four: Demons 2
Lamberto Bava and Dario Argento foresaw reality TV's popularity. Magical God-cams follow the "unsuspecting idiot teens" who "unwittingly" re-release the demons, broadcasting the hilarity to an eager primetime audience.
Day Five: Hellraiser
Poor Uncle Frank. Whereas in life he was a womanizing jerk, when resurrected he got what was coming to him; He was reborn as item A-4, sweet and sour jerky. Yum!
Day Six: Dead Alive
Has a swarm of blood thirsty zombies overrun your house? The quickest, albeit messiest, solution: the lawnmower. Strap it over your shoulder and go. Just make sure the blades face out.
Day Seven: Chopping Mall
In 1986 lightning had wildly varying effects on robot electronics. When it struck mall security units they became ultra-violent killbots, when near Steve Guttenberg designed military hardware, they became Johnny 5.
Day Eight: Dreamaniac
80's horror film with excessive naked man-action and awkward sexuals that would turn off the horniest 16-year-old boy (heinous faux pas). Saving grace: the big kill is a cordless drill decapitation.
Day Nine: Ghoulies
This film is why I ALWAYS check the toilet bowl before I commit to a constitutional. Super Secret Trivia: voted best break dancing, after Breakin' Two: Electric Bugaloo, by Alfonso Ribeiro.
Day Ten: Blades
Almost exactly like Caddyshack, except the lack of a stellar ensemble cast and it's a slasher flick about a killer lawnmower. Brought to you by the always subtle people at Troma.
Day Eleven: Videodrome
Ah, the naiveté of the 80's. VCR's still had cords connecting the "remote" to the unit, yet somehow television waves are able to reality altering changes to the physical world.
Day Twelve: Hellgate
Ron "Arnold Horshack" Palillo is the lead. In case you find it incredulous, watch for the license plate at 29:34, which reads THEHERO. And, for the ladies, he has a nude scene!
Day Thirteen: The Video Dead
Most umm-tarded interpretation of zombies, EVAR. Kill 'em just like anything else, yet because they're not really dead: "They must not be buried. Left, instead, to be reclaimed by mother nature."
Day Fourteen: Blood Hook
MST3K's Jim Mallon directs this Troma flick about a serial killing fisherman, who uses a special fishing lure to kill his victims. Wonder why it never got featured on MST3K? Hmmmmmm...
Day Fifteen: Against the Dark
Steven Seagal just managed to squeeze his fat ass into a black leather trench coat for this cheesy vampire/zombie hybrid film. Oh, and for extra smeg, his name is Tao.
Day Sixteen: Birdemic Shock and Terror
This movie has forced me to rethink my stance on reincarnation. James Nguyen is obviously channelling Ed Wood Jr. so as to torment yet another generation of the film going public.
Day Seventeen: Sinful Dwarf
A horny dwarf who runs a boarding house with his mother... what could POSSIBLY be wrong with that situation? This film is the reason midgets are illegal in most industrialized countries.
Day Eighteen: Zombie Women of Satan
This movie is why, despite the “politically correct” socialist agenda Steve Jobs promoted with iMovie, Thirty-seven year-old dorks who live with mom should NOT be able to make movies.
Day Nineteen: Let the Right One In
A vampire movie with PRE-pubescent teens that are actually teens, not skinny twenty-somethings in leather. The film's real horror is the poor Nordic boy's constant emasculation by his girlfriend.
Day Twenty: The Return of the Living Dead
The irreverent punk-rock zombie flick! For the fellows, the punk chick that dances butt-naked in the cemetery is SMOKING hot. As this is an eighty's film, she stays naked!
Day Twenty-One: Silent Night Deadly Night 2
This movie picks up right where the original left off, as you would assume from part two, or sequel, in the common vernacular. All you need to know: Garbage Day!
Day Twenty-Two: 30 Days of Night
Why base so many movies on comic books? ‘Cos Hollywood writers suck. That’s why this vampire movie is awesome, the only sparkles are light reflecting off blood, as it should be!
Day Twenty-Three: The Burning
A Weinstein Nightmare on Elm Street/Friday the Thirteenth hybrid with very young Holly Hunter, Fisher Stevens, Brian Backer and Jason Alexander. Yes, ladies you do get to see his butt.
Day Twenty-Four: Popcorn
William Castle knows gimmicky b-movie have a way of coming back and biting you in the butt. But make a marathon of gimmicky b-movies and you’re asking for trouble!
Day Twenty-Five: Intruder
A close-net group of teenaged night-shift grocery store clerks are picked off one by one by the store’s forsook co-owner. Beware Wall Street, this might be your fate.
Day Twenty-Six: Terror Firmer
Everyone knows making a film is all blood, sweat and tears, but when it's this Troma film, it's also tits and fart jokes and a guy sporting a serious moose knuckle.
Day Twenty-Seven: Oasis of the Zombie
Zombie Nazis guard six million dollars of gold hidden in a North African desert oasis. When their commanding officer comes back years later to recover the gold hell literally breaks loose.
Day Twenty-Eight: The Exorcist
Split pea soup. (Yes, technically that’s not thirty-one words, but what’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think of The Exorcist that doesn’t involve intercourse with Jesus?)
Day Twenty-Nine: Poltergeist
Let’s see, stay trapped in another dimension with the angry spirits of a dead Native American tribe or “come into the light” to Zelda Rubinstein? I think I stay with Tonto.
Day Thirty: Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter
Surprisingly thoughtful and engaging movie that explores the subtle metaphor of blood as used in the Bible and that in the Vampire genre. Ok, not really. Mostly fart jokes, and lesbians.
Day Thirty-One: Psycho
After fifty one years Alfred Hitchcock’s immortal classic is still the golden standard, and so much of that comes directly from Perkins gliding so easily between naive momma’s boy and psycho.
Have a happy and safe Halloween.
