Metro's New "Ultra Inconvenience" System

Being anally invaded has never been more appealing!

Lately I've been growing more and more concerned with Metro's (the mass transit system in Houston, TX) efficiency and dedication to duty. The buses were well maintained and on time; the staff was courteous and helpful. It was too good to be true.

Thank God that’s all about to change.

Metro is going to start rolling out their new “Ultra Inconvenience” system early in October. A few key points to the new system:

• Longer wait times at bus stops. The embedded GPS chips in Q-cards, Metro's fare card, will allow Metro to track which stops have passengers waiting and subsequently have drivers slow down or take their break.
• Special algorithms have been written into the scheduling software to guarantee, at the very least, a 45 minute window between any connecting lines. The software development team is confident that they will be able to increase wait times further during months of extreme temperatures.
• Smaller buses will be used during high traffic times, especially for lines with predominately minority commuters.
• The Complaint Call Center, which has been all but decimated by Metro's exemplary service, has specially trained the representatives to listen but never, ever, under any circumstance, offer any type of resolution, much less consolation. 
• A new Complaint Call Center phone system is ready to automatically hang up on callers. As a backup, in the event of a catastrophic systems failure, each operator's station is equipped with one big red disconnect button. 

Best of all are the remodeled buses that are going onto the streets Q1 of 2012:

Maintained by Southwest Airlines

Fan-fuckin'-tastic!

Damned Drought or It's Time to Impeach Obama!

I live in Houston, TX, and this year we've had something like 200 consecutive days of triple digit heat. To compound this meteorological faux pas we have not had any rain since Ike devastated us back in 2008.

In other words, we’re fucked!

I’m beginning to see a recurring thread here. Hmm... But I digress.

The result of the uncivilized heat and drought has killed much of the shrubbery and underbrush in the wooded park I frequent. This is bad because I am now completely exposed when I masturbate while watching the passing joggers.

Though I have managed to avoid detection so far, that dog will not hunt!

So, I am calling for all patriotic US citizens to unite to impeach President Obama, whose administration, and its global warming, is clearly to blame for this whole debacle.

Scoff at your own risk. Today it's my hidey hole. Tomorrow it will be yours!

Goddamn Queers are Ruining the Environment

Zealous Christians don’t hate fags, they LURVS the environment. 

Ever since I communed with Mother Nature, I've been thinking a lot about being fucked. It wasn’t until I saw an obviously biased, and completely out of context, Jew-run liberal news report on the Westboro Baptist Church that I finally realized why.

The Gays

The Westboro Baptists have been preaching their environmental friendly on street corners across the US, in front of comic cons and military funeral and all other dens of debauchery as well. I’ve generally dismissed them as kooks and gone on about my business. This was wrong and very closed-minded of me.

As an eco-feminist, I am ashamed and would like to apologize.

I'm SorryMoreover, to right my heinous wrong, I would like to do my part to show how loving and caring the Westboro Baptists really are. I am no where near as eloquant as they are, so please bare with my rhetorical shortcomings.

The Abridged Westboro Baptist Church of Environmentalism's Argument

The Gays are Not Natrual

A dick doesn't naturally fit in a man's mouth. It naturally fits in a woman's.
A woman's tongue doesn't naturally slide in and out of a hot snatch, it's a man's that does.
Tits were designed to be smashed together with a nice big cock sandwiched between them.
And a man's asshole was meant to be fingered by a lady with an easy touch.
Therefore, homosexuality is unnatural.

Well... It doesn't follow the usual syllogism format... But it is valid AND sound...

I am convinced, as no doubt you are too.

But wait, we're only half-way there. I can hear you asking, "What does that have to do with the environment?" And that's a very good question. One that I asked myself. The answer?

Everything.

See, the environment is nature, and nature is natural. Natch! What's more, and I admit that it gets dry and sciencey here, some very smart people "in the know" have said that nature can only survive in places rich with neutrioli, a very natural vibrating particle. It has been shown, scientifically, that the places with the highest neutrioli concentrations are natural places.

On the contrary, the unnatural sexual proclivities of The Gays create anti-neutrioli which not only cancel out the neutrioli, they poison an area of somewhere between 6 feet and 900 miles in radius, depending on the deviant behavior.

Need proof? Go to the gayborhood in your town and see the horrible state of the gardens and other flora. Alternatively, if you live in Hotlanta, just look out of your window. Go ahead, I'll wait.

...

See, totally decimated! Shocked? You should be!

What we need to do now is quit being whiny fags and grab some poster board and pens and join our Christian brethren and sisthren and save the environment:

Eco-Warriors Unite!